still marriage problems

[Bob]

I recently found out that along with my chronic pain I have struggled (the whole 37 yrs) with depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and PTSD. Unfortunately, those three mood disorders haD  remained hidden behind my pain for 37 yrs.

All during that time I was NOT a good man.  I verbally abused my wife (and kids) and others .   the thing is ... I didn't know that I was doing it.

Last thursday evening on the pbone with my daughter, I threatened to hurt myself.  she called the police and they, politely escorted me to the psych hospital.  I was (and am) not angry b/c I honestly didn't know if I were serious or not. 

anyway I spent a good amt of time talking to other patients and staff and they pushed one thinbg.  It's not my fault for being sick.  the question I have is how do I deal with responsibility regarding how I treated my wife. 

Just met with my wife and pastor (we are going to be apart for some time) and they clearly don't want to hear ANYTHING regarding my lack of guilt.

I am feeling better as I was able to find some supplements that help my anxiety , a lot.

My pastor actually indicated that I had been using my illness as an excuse.

I need help in understanding and how to explain to them. 

I feel its  impt to start our journey back to health (we haven't been healthy since our first yr of marriage) on a level playing field.  for me that means .. really believing me.

PLEASE HELP!    THANK YOU

[ronr]

MAYBE the psych people can talk to the pastor but it sounds like he is going to be the brick wall and not accept ANY responses other than it's all your fault and you should be made to feel guilty and suffer for the rest of your life.

Sorry but that's what I'm hearing.

[Bob]

ron,

thx so much! that's what I  thought but didn't know if I were being fair. thx a lot.  at least Im not crazy.! 

[Hollywood]

lookup symptoms, one major one is being short tempered because of the constant pain.

That might help. I've had to learn to keep my mouth shut. Sometimes I blow up but it is getting less and less frequent.

Good luck.

[Bob]

yes, but it is more than that.  what I understand is that the "Mood disorders" hide behind the pain so, you don't know you have them.  in my case I didn't have control.  only now since I know what I am fighting am I able to get help to control. 

this very well may have destroyed my life - completely!

[Robby]

Bob. you are 100% correct about the mood disorders hiding behind the pain. But in my case the pain would hide behind the mood disorder also. I would get mad, then sad, and I mean uncontrollable sobbing, and I had no idea why. When I finally started getting treatment for both issues, I could see that when I started to hurt, I got mad and then I didn't feel the pain, and/or I would just get completely emotional, and cry for hours, because I was so physically and mentally tired from the pain.

Then I would cycle around (I am bipolar so my mood would change because of that), and instead of enduring the depression, or to keep the mania under control, my brain would focus on the physical pain, and block out the emotions. So as the old saying goes, your preaching to the choir, in other words we already know and can understand where you are at.

We are here for you the best we can be. I don't care what you are going through, at least a few of us have went through it.My point is, you come here, and unload all that nastyness your feeling, we'll help you carry it. We will always love you no matter how bad you act, because we come here and act the same way, although a littl different maybe.

[Bob]

-I can't tell you how I appreciate you guys!  Especially now.  Because of our friend I have no friends and I have lived here for 30 years. 
    I want to be clear:  I KNOW my wife has gone through Hell and back.  the ONLY reason our marriage has stayed together is that she knew how to do the "emotional Rop - a -- dop.  I REALLY DO LOVE her.  when we went to counseling I told her that there wouldn't be any argument because there is nothing she can say that I did that I can (or care to) disagree with.  I was, kind of, a monster.
    we had a fantastic 11 months and then it all turned sour. I am just overwhelmed .  I am certain I am not alone in thinking that I truely do understand Job when he asks: Why was i even born. I wanted , what all Christian men who are married want, to be a good husband anm father and frankly, I missed on both counts. Thx for all the work you guys do to make this service available.  I know I am one of a great many who appreciate it.

During our last mtg  I explained that I was NOT the only one who didn't see my psych probs. 

[Hollywood]

I guess I was lucky, because I was a basket case before I got sick. So I've had to go thru some major intensive therapy for years. And i'm much better

But I still have PTSD bad. Somebody can drop something and  I will jump. At my job they always asked me why I was so jumpy. Well growing up dodging plates, glasses and punches. makes you jumpy.

[Bob]

I'll tell you, gentlemen, it often seems meaningless to stay alive. I am not suicidal but my life has been destroyed and Ive done the same to my wife.  I almost can't bear it.  I really love her but will never have a healthy marriage because of this.

I just rtnd from seeing my therapist.  I asked her how I might describe how it was that I treated my wife poorly but honestly didn't know it.she responded by explaining the Polyvagal theory/.  it explains a lot of my symptoms and behaviors. 

Does anyone else know anything about this topic? 

[ronr]

Just what I find in MY favorite search engine.  It's a bit deep for me to read too much right now but you can break it down into chunks small/or large enough for you to comprehend.

https://duckduckgo.com/?t=ffab&q=Polyvagal+theory&ia=web

[Bob]

I just received this note from my son in law (whom I love) - I just want to ... !

 I hope you get the help you need, and heed the wisdom you are given. I love you, Bob, and it's hard to see you behave the way you have and see Kelly endure so much


You know when I found that the GABA helped/... a lot/.. my world BLOWS UP.  I dont even have anything to say.

[Bob]

Ron,  thx for the link.

the worst part of this little episode is I know that Kelly will back him and try to explain that he was actually saying all of that in Love.  I feel he is sitting in as one of LOt''s so called friends.

[foxgrove]

Oh Bob... that letter hurt my heart. Yeah... where to go from here. I sure hope that the therapy that you're getting is bringing better and better things to your life. I imagine time will be the big determiner of how this goes. The more progress towards control you show, the better it'll be. Got you in my prayers, brother.