Fibro is a Thief

[DEL]

https://www.facebook.com/fibromyalgiastories13/photos/a.607148009296379.1073741828.607140589297121/1065071076837401/?type=1&theater

[Lonesome George]

I get the feeling that quite a few people think I really enjoy staying at home alone all day, which after all these years I have altered my mindset to accept it and I am to the point I really don't mind it very much at all.  That being said, it took me a long time to get to this point and I still have episodes of really not liking being so out of the big picture.

I had to give up and sell a business I really enjoyed. It was hard work certain times of the year, but I worked hard because I wanted to.  I could have stayed in the office all day and ran it or even co-ran it more than I did with the secretary I had.  I chose to be in the truck delivering all day, sometimes into the night with my other driver instead of just hiring two drivers.

I loved being outside working, loved meeting my customers and talking with them, I was also making the most money I ever had in my life, then bam, a hard hit to the head and less than 1 1/2 years later that life was gone.  I made good money off the sale and with the OTR truck I bought after the sale to work part time with. I was looking at a decent retirement fund, IF I could have kept working part time.

I eventually sold the OTR truck I had, tried working part time for local companies. One I managed to stay at almost three years before I had to quit. That was the easiest driving and less stressful job I ever had. I then opened a one man car dealership as I had done years before.  My health finally got to the point I couldn't go to the auctions anymore, then to where I couldn't get the cars ready when I was able to get one. So I let the license lapse.  Anxiety attacks had already taken away my OTR work I started in the 1970's, that's how I ended up with local businesses while still driving part time for 2-3 different people as much as I could. I couldn't stand to be out of a truck for any period of time.

Now all of that desire I had for well over 40 years is gone.  I sometimes wish I could get back out there, but fibro has taken it away. It has changed my whole life, turned it upside down.  The things I once loved I can't seem to get excited about anymore.  I'm always too tired and think about how much worse I will hurt after I do something. I again tried driving team coast to coast part time in '09.  I was officially employed from Jan 1st until mid November.  Where most teams ran 2 to 3 trips a month I managed to average one about every month and a half before I had to quit.  That's when I knew I had to change my mindset or go crazy.  Life as I knew it was now officially changed forever.

So here I sit in the house.  My big deal now is I try to lay in the sun several times a week on the rear deck.  It helps my daytime pain to do this. I am awating a hearing from SSDI, which I'm afraid I won't get. I'm broke. All the money I had saved for retirement has been spent on living expenses because I could only work a very limited schedule since I sold out in 2000, and the past five years have been pretty much not working at all.

I know this is long, but I posted it as a follow up to Del's post to help demonstrate how much life can be changed by Fibro.  I had worked at least one job at a time and sometimes as many as three since I was 14 1/2 until Fibro did me in. I won't say how many years ago that was, but it's a long time ago I was that age.

[looneylane]

Yes it has stolen much from us! 

[denny]

It did steal me.
I havnt been seen for years.
Just some lazy asshole standing,no,sitting in for me.
I also enjoy being broke and hopeless.

[ronr]

 

[DEL]

Some people make a big deal about the idea that one shouldn't be defined by their profession, that they are more than the work they perform.

I wonder if they would feel the same way if it were suddenly taken away...

Our jobs may not totally have defined us but they sure as hell were a big part of it and helped us to be productive citizens. I can't blame Lonesome George

for continuing to try different jobs-throwing in the towel absolutely sucks.

I still struggle with feeling like a failure-"what if I had done so and so" has become an evil mind game.

[Lonesome George]

The part I'm mad at myself about is not throwing in the towel 10 years ago when my then doctor tried to get me to go on disability.  He suggested it to me for about 7 years, but pride kept me trying to make my own living, all the time spending more to stay alive than I was making.

If I had listened to him I would have had disability for at least the past 7 years and still have some of my money to retire on instead of living from week to week on my wife's paycheck. Living on her paycheck is what's hard to take, especially now with her having health problems. I really feel like I let us down with my pride.

[jmanwithfm]

Thanks for the post DEL, and the laugh denny. I've lost much too, but more gradually than you George. It's been 40 plus years now. Fortunately I was able to work at my desk job until I was 58, and then part time for another 5 years. Aside from losing so many of the physical things I liked to do, I think the social losses were the worst part, mainly because I felt I had to hide it. But how do you hide brain fog? You either look stupid or aloof. It caused me a lot of awkwardness and anxiety, that is still with me today. Sorry about the loss of disability payments, especially if you had a doctor willing to certify the disability. I think a lot of us get caught in that gray area between being capable of working (work that we enjoy) and being partially or totally disabled by the fibro. In my case I just couldn't get a doctor certified diagnosis. I probably should have gone to an attorney long before I retired.

[tojo]

Even though it took five years to get my disability started I never would have gotten it without a lawyer.

[denny]

First question when you meet someone at a party"what do you do?"
Well...uh,ya see im...uhhh...

Ive devised a thousand come backs but none,not a one,will come to mind at the time i need it.

[Barberian]

First question when you meet someone at a party"what do you do?"
Well...uh,ya see im...uhhh...

Ive devised a thousand come backs but none,not a one,will come to mind at the time i need it.

I just say I'm disabled/retired. I know the retired helps with the pride issue, but I'm not worried about it. I gave up careing what people think about me for the most part a long time ago.

[ronr]

Try medically retired Denny

[denny]

Ive lately been useing "retired".
Its more believeable now.fewer questions.easier.
I was just supporting what DEL said. Sorry for the confusion.

Personaly,im an  artist.always have been. I didnt choose it it chose me.
And im not retired,not the kind of thing you retire from,no matter how little you do.but if it means easy im right there!

However,if im in a rare sales mode,very rare,I will explain my life.
People seem to expect to hear those storys and like them as well.

Im a cliche.

[tojo]

I really do not get to go anywhere and meet anyone. On the rare occasion that I have I have said disabled retired and in return get your too young to be retired and you don't look sick. I have been using web designer even though I have had no business since Feb. LOL Going to close the account at the bank and give up.

[denny]

Ive never been questioned.

Toj!bro! Never give up never surrender!