How would you handle this?

[willie]

A couple that we've been close friends with for over 30 years are causing me a problem that I really don't know how to deal with. They are great people but cleaning the house is not a priority for them. They have 2 large dogs and many cats. Just walking in the door, it is extremely difficult to not gag! The smell is absolutely unbearable. It doesn't seem to bother them but everyone else has the same reaction. We have tried to avoid going there, not always possible, and tried dropping hints, and even volunteering to help them clean it up. (not sure I could stand that!)

We have tried to talk about this with them but they get a bit upset whenever we bring it up. His wife has asthma and I know this doesn't help her but it never gets better. Other than ending the friendship, not happening, how would you handle this? Now that the weather is warming up we can stay outside but those times when we do have to go inside are becoming more unbearable. I'm sure if I came right out and told them that we won't come in the house until they do something about the smell that it would cause damage to the relationship. I'm hoping someone has some ideas on how solve this!

[Barberian]

If their behavior is from a syndrome like hoarding you won't be able to change their behavior.

If their issue is from something other than hoarding I'd use the "Truth". It may hurt, but it's the best policy. If they turn away, were they really friends, especially if you explain that you are only trying to help and your not the only ones who feel like this. Everyone else has expressed concern about the situation, so it's not just you. Explain "normalization". If a person is exposed to the same thing for a period of time, they become used to it and the situation becomes unnoticable. Smells become normal - living on a pier you won't smell the fish, etc. . Sounds become normal - if you live near a highway and/or a train track you might not even notice a loud train passing by using it's horn that would scare the hell out of someone not used to it. etc...

Another thing to consider is losing their friendship worth bringing this up in the first place.

A bit too much truth. My wife is a hoarder. Our house is... probably worse than your friends. I KNOW it stinks but can't smell it because I'm in it every day. I gave up fighting the hoarding a long time ago because as soon as a spot is cleared out, she need to go out and buy some new stuff to fill in the spot = waste of money. She says she is getting phone counseling from a shrink but I don't believe her, and it isn't worth the fight.

[ronr]

I'd use the "Truth". It may hurt, but it's the best policy.

[foxgrove]

As you go about helping them, be sure to include them in things you guys can do together away from the situation.  Basically, you're reinforcing that you aren't abandoning them but that you're willing to help them get through it.  It's important that they know that you care regardless of the situation.  Make sure they know you care ABOUT them first and foremost.

The truth is going to a double edged sword but you might be giving them the one thing they have lacked and can't seem to get past... having friends who want to stay.  Work on it as a team with them... someone takes care of figuring out where to take the garbage, someone deals with making sure the workers are fed, someone makes sure the work keeps moving forward.

Encourage them to get a major filtration system to help deal with the wife's allergies.  A filter like an Austin Air would do well in a situation like this as it's quite portable and robust and is not going to be damaged by big dogs.  It's important that she get better air quality if she's to see what she's missing and WANT things to change.

In any case, we'll be praying for y'all to be able to reach them and help them out.  Be well.. don't burn yourselves out... remember to take care of yourselves first.  

[willie]

Yeah, I might have to just come out and tell them. It probably won't change anything. We did talk them into tearing out carpet and putting in hardwood floors but now there's so much animal hair everywhere it looks like carpet! They did put some big fancy hepa filter system in the bedroom but the dogs, 2 German shepherds, and who knows how many cats sleep in the bed with them so the filter is worthless.

I don't really care how they choose to clean or not clean their house, but it's really difficult to go there. I've tried to explain how I'm more sensitive to certain smells because of the fibro, but they don't understand. Wish I didn't have to deal with this one!!!

[foxgrove]

I understand the position you're in.  I've been practically unable to visit anyone's home for almost a decade other than very short visits in my mask.  It's a real pain not to be able to go anywhere because you're affected by the chemicals in the air... that's just not right... and yet, it's the hand that's been dealt to us.  Don't let it tear you up... you can always visit at an outdoor restaurant or in a ballpark.  Just bring the comfiest chair you can manage and go slow.