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Intro: mom of Super Hero son age 23 with Fibro

Started by 509Candice, November 16, 2018, 08:07:45 PM

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0 Members and 19 Guests are viewing this topic.

509Candice

Hello I am a mom of a son diagnosed at the age of 12 with FM. He is now 23 and faced with a loving father who has never read anything on FM and is demanding to save their relationship he needs to move out and be like everyone his own age. Our son has worked for his father since he was 14. They are constantly battling and the line of no return has been drawn.

I am afraid I made the fatal mistake of doing all the research, battling Docs and school as his father is self employed in construction. When I asked my husband to fly down to Stanford as I needed him (and his son as he asked why his father was not there with him) my husbands reply was, " I can't leave because no work will get done." My husband has never researched FM and can not understand our son. Both are angry, hurt and my husband blames our son for all the struggles. My husband seems to think it is the pain meds that make his son moody, angry and collapse under all the stress. He is sure that if his son moves out it will fix their relationship. 

This is new territory as our son is not his friends ( they have moved on). What is the protocol a parent is to follow when their 23 year old son has FM?   I don't  know any 23 year old that put everything he has into trying to qualify for buying a house under a special loan. Now that has fallen through and he is so overwhelmed he has not worked for three days. This battle has been going for years and my son out of desperate need has been threading the relationship together in hopes his father will pick up the ball. Silence.

I have ordered a couple of books for my husband. I could only find books from female FM. "Confessions of Butterflies" by Joanna Dwyer was encouraged by her super husband. Her explanations and raw truth hit me between my eyes. We are a loving family that need to circle the wagons once again. Not sure what I am asking if anything. I feel like Columbus...no land in site. I am sure it is out there. One of you fine, courageous, compassionate, Super Heroes have a morsel to share to sustain us in our journey. Every bit counts. Candescence Always be with you,
Candice
Whatever lifts the corners of your mouth, trust that.
                                     Rumi

countryboy

Hi Candice,

Glad you found our site as there are some things that might be of help to get through to your husband that men can get FM.   
Go to our list of forums and click on "Information for those new to FM".  From there you can read a few of the topics and even print out some for your husband to read.  That might open his eyes.

If you could talk him into logging in and reading some of the posts and answers, it would do him a world of good.   It is hard to lead a horse to water and make him drink.   We have all gone through the problem of getting our loved ones to read about our disease and that will probably never change, but we can always try.

If there are some items that you don't understand, please post them so we can help you along on this journey.

Tell your son to also read some of these forums as there is a ton of information that would benefit him also.

Good luck and never give up.

Best wishes to you and yours.   (countryboy ----- just one of the moderators)    :horse:
IT IS BETTER TO BE CONSIDERED A FOOL, THAN TO
OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND REMOVE ALL DOUBT.   But
UNFORTUNTELY MOST PEOPLE REFUSE TO LEAVE ANY DOUBT.  -unknown-

ANY FOOL CAN CRITICIZE, CONDEM AND COMPLAIN --
AND MOST FOOLS DO.   'Benjamin Franklin'

ronr

Here is the link for the forums that countryboy mentioned.    http://menwithfibro.com/community/index.php?board=38.0

Welcome Candice !
You have one extremely tough situation on your hands and there will be no easy fix.  Sorry to say that but ...

Dad has had plenty of time to see how it affects his son and if he will not accept that by now then I fear there is little hope for convincing him.  I have said before that if I did not have FM then I would have a hard time believing how thoroughly it can effect a person. Your husband may be able to work himself to death but this boy's body will not cooperate.  Hopefully your son does not collapse on the job trying to live up to dad's expectations. 

The stress is making it even worse than just dealing with the FM alone.  Everyone in the family is dealing with the stages of grief.  http://menwithfibro.com/community/index.php?topic=277.0   Some better than others which is quite normal.  I personally do not think that moving out is going to help anything.

Men DO get FiBro   http://menwithfibro.com/community/index.php?topic=5866.0
Click on the blue link toward the bottom in the first post.

What have your son done for treating this other than the pain meds and was there any specific incident that triggered his problems? 

So much to say butt you are overwhelmed already.  Feel free to ask anything and welcome again.

Times are tough when "Happy Hour" is your nap.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely!

denny

 Welcome Beads
:dunno: I feel for care givers.
And the wife's of fibro.
I KNEW IT WAS THE ALIENS!



"FREE ME FROM EXISTANCE"
It is what it is...

tojo

Howdy Miss Candice,

It sounds to me that maybe your husband might see that there is something wrong but does not want to admit it. I know a little about being self employed as I have to be self employed most of my life since I got out of the Navy. My father was also self employed for most of his life. It may be that your husband was planning and hoping, maybe only in the back of his mind that his son would one day take over the company and that would be your husbands legacy. Passing the baton to the next generation, I know that is what my father wanted to do and was very disappointed and genuinely hurt when  I did not pick up the hammer and follow in his path that he had laid out for me. I worked for him on an of since I was able to pick up a hammer and had learned enough in that time to carry on by myself or to keep on going with him until he decided to retire. I may be completely wrong but it is something to think about.

For a father to see something wrong with his son that he is not able to fix "especially for someone who build things" has got to be one of the hardest things that will ever happen to your husband. Dealing with your sons problems is something I do not think he is ready to or maybe not able to at this point face. He may think that if your son gets out on his own with an apartment or a small house that things will change for him because he will have to become more independent and take care of him self. Maybe get a girlfriend, maybe just standing more on his own two feet may be the only way that your husband can see your son getting better without acknowledging that something is wrong or that maybe it cannot be fixed. He may just feel helpless and the only way that he can cover it up because men do not like to admit that something is wrong and they cannot fix it. Well, most of us are that way and especially those of us that fix, repair or build things. We do not understand when something can't be fixed. It may just be his way of dealing with it right now.

You have had some good advice from the others, mine may just be a waste of space here on our forum. But you reading up on the things that ronr gave you the links for is a great place to start. Getting your son to log in and become a part of our brotherhood of knights fighting Fibro. We have had lots of young folks in the past and have some even now here on our forum so we know how to open our arms and welcome him in. I would like to suggest that you get your husband to log in and find out about the struggles that you son has faced for a very long time. Which most of us will be amazed that he has been able to work with his father this long, as construction is a hard physical laborious job and it takes a lot out of healthy guys. You see it in them at the end of the day, they usually are tired, want a couple beers, dinner and off to bed to get ready for the next day. I am amazed and hats off to your son for fighting this long with Fibro and working at a very hard job.

I know that with all of the knowledge within our electronic bookshelves that there is a way and that with knowledge and some time we will find a way to not only reach your husband but for him to be able to understand and to acknowledge that his son has Fibromyalgia. And as always you will find out that my keyboard runs along about as fast as my mouth does and it does not hurt my feelings if you tell me shut up and that I have no idea what I am talking about. There are plenty of others here on the forum that will be able to assist you if you need them. I hope and pray that it does not take long to turn this thing around for the good of all involved, including you as I know that this must be very very hard on you to be stuck between the man that you love and the young man that you brought into the world.
one of Jesus' own
Tojo

foxgrove

Sorry it's taken so long to get this written... I find the stories that hit closest to my heart are the hardest ones to respond to.  FIrst off, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you have done in your battle for your son.  It is a beautiful thing.  I am deeply sorry the your husband is not on board with all of this.  If I might recommend a book that he would be able to dig through for answers, I think he might find helpful... it's called "Breaking Thru the Fibro Fog: Scientific Proof Fibromyalgia is Real" by Dr. Kevin P. White.

As a father of four kids with varying degrees of disability, my heart breaks for your situation.  My own struggle with fibro has led me to try to reach out to folks like you and me who are hurting and need help... that's kinda why we exist... folks who knew that we were better together than alone going through this.  Sadly, we can lead people to the truth but unless they are able to face it in their heart, they will resist it.  Your husband is likely also facing some deep fears inside himself that his son really is sick and there is nothing he can do about it.  It's a hard thing to take but I'm totally with you on this one, accepting and helping is a far better thing than avoiding and denying anything is wrong.  It's just there is a journey from one to the the other.  I'd be glad to chat with him or answer any questions he might have about what's going on.  Just let me know and I'll drop you my email address.

So... If there is ANYTHING you can think of where we can help out, information, research, you name it, we will certainly try to do help if there is some way to help.  Of course, our research department is somewhat slim... well... we're not that slim anymore but you know what I mean, so it takes some time and effort that we may not have at any one moment.  Fibro is so cyclical and right now, it seems to be riding that cycle right over top of many of us.

As part of the family, yup... part of this weird and wonderful family, you will be thought about, prayed for, missed, and generally wondered about when you aren't here, so hang around.  Again, let us know what we can do to help out.  Personally, you're in my prayers, sis.  Let your son know that we're rooting for him.  He is most welcome to come and tell his story from his perspective as well.  We've had folks of all ages on here so that's nothing new.

Be well, stay warm, and know that you are loved.

Fox
Where God leads, His hand always provides
...so keep Calm and code on....

Foxgrove

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