Some what not true stories

[Robby]

Joe and John were identical twins.
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day, he rented out his boat to a group from out-of-state who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Therefore, Joe did not know that his brother John's wife had died suddenly that day.

When Joe got back on shore, he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said, "Hell no!"

"The fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys who were looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"


The old woman fainted.


----------------------------------
I know what you were thinking, and you say I have a dirty mind 

[denny]

LOL

[Robby]

http://blog.auntyacid.com/funny-husbands/

[looneylane]

LOL

[foxgrove]

Love those... the magnet guy is a man after my own heart... I read it out for Jo and she laughed and asked if I wrote it. 

[Robby]

http://diply.com/auntyacid/article/tea-mom-dad-toilet

[Robby]

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys one condom, then walks out of the
store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird,
but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying
condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another
condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This
piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about
buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever
comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laughing customer is back. He buys
the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves.

The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies, "Your house."

[denny]

 

[Robby]

"Yeah, my car broke down along the B3242 and I had decided to walk the 20 miles to Kenmare when a frightful storm descended, so in desperation I headed towards some lights in the middle of nowhere."

"Oh?"

"Turned out it was a monastery. They took me in, fed me and gave me dry clothes. Such fine people."

"They're supposed to be. They're monks."

"Yeah, I know, but there was something really special about the place, you know, like a presence. I asked them what it was, but they wouldn't tell me.  Said I had to be a monk.

Anyways, next day they called a tow truck and I went on my way."

"And?"

"Well the strange thing is, I broke down again along that same road about 8 months later, and walked to the monastery.  They were really glad to see me, and not at all surprised - they helped me again, no problems.  Again I sensed that presence and I asked them what it was, but again they wouldn't tell me. Said I had to be a monk. So I did."

"Did what?"

"I decided to become a monk."

"You didn't!"

"Yes, I did.  Mind you, I'm still just a novice, but it wasn't simple - they gave me this big task to do: I had to count how many pebbles there were in the drive. Took my three days on my bloodied hands and knees, without any food or water, but I did it."

"Pebbles? Bejeesus, you could've just made a number up!"

"No, I counted them.  There were 2,302,982."

"And were you right?"

"Just about."

"I can't believe you did that.  So what then?"

"They took me down to the cellars, where there was a maze of underground corridors, all dark and damp.  We walked for miles, it seemed, until we came to an old wooden door, smaller than any other door I ever saw.  There they left me with a key and a candle.

I hesitated at first, but then curiosity got the better of me and I unlocked the door and went in.  The room was large, like a cavern or a large hall.  I couldn't really see because I didn't have enough light to see the ceiling or the walls, but then I saw it, in the middle, on a wooden table, the most wondrous thing..."

"What?"

"Oh, you'd need to be a monk for me to tell you."

[Robby]

Oldie, but still funny....



THIS WOMAN CRASHED INTO A MAN BUT WHAT SHE DOES AFTER THEY CRASH FOOLS HIM LIKE YOU WON'T BELIEVE
Sarah Firth | February 25, 2016 | Funny | No Comments
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A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one.
Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them
is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a
man, that's interesting. And I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our
cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and become
friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign
from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this – here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine
didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune."

So she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement , opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle,
then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on,
and hands it back to the man.

The man takes the bottle and asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

[foxgrove]

  She be sly that one.... Oooooo but she be sly!!! 

[Robby]

Q: Who's bigger, Mr. Bigger or his baby?
A:The baby -- he's a little Bigger.


Q: Why was the Egyptian boy confused?
A: His daddy was really a mummy.


Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?
The ceremony was long and boring, but the reception was great!

Why do they call it hyper text?
Too much JAVA.

[Robby]

A woman and her family are sitting in a nice, upscale restaurant.

Everyone's looking at their menus, when the waiter comes by to get their drink orders. Each orders their drinks, and as the waiter is walking away,

the woman notices a spoon in his chest pocket.
Hm... That's strange She thinks to herself.

She looks around, and notices other waiters and waitresses with spoons in their chest pockets. Curious, she decides when their waiter comes back by,
she'll just ask what that's about.

A few minutes later, he comes back with their drinks. He proceeds to take their appetizer and main dish orders. As he's about to leave, the women motions for him.

"Yes m'am?" he asks, leaning forward.

She asks, "I noticed that every single member of the waitstaff have a spoon in their pockets..." She pointed to his. "What's with the spoon?"

He smiles, and explains that their restaurant had ran through several studies to ensure that the waitstaff is the most efficient they can be,
saving the customers and restuarant time and money. One of the topics dealt with dropped silverwear. The most commonly dropped piece is the spoon,
since it is placed right next to the knife, and usually used last, it tends to get knocked off the table most often. With that, it saves time and money for the

waitstaff to have the spoon ready in-hand to hand to the customer.

She smiles and thanks him for the explanation, and just as she was reaching for her knife to butter her dinner roll, she just so happened to knock the spoon off the table. Without missing a beat, the waiter hands her the spoon from his pocket with a smile. She thanks him, smiling again.

As he walks away, however, she notices something new. There was a string hanging from the waiter's fly!

How odd... She began looking around again, curiously.

She noticed all the male waitstaff had a string hanging from their pant flys as well.

She decides it may be another strange way to save money, but will ask later.

After dinner, everyone is served apple pie al la mode, and is just finishing up, when the waiter comes back by. The woman calls him over again.
She asks about the string, pointing somewhat discreetly to it.

He laughs, and begins explaining that another part of the study dealt with cleanliness, and saving time and money at the same time. He explained that when
the men go to the bathroom, in order to save time and money from washing their hands, they could just unzip their flys and pull on the string, which would
pull their penis out and allow them to urinate, all without laying a finger or palm on their privates.

She blushed, laughing. "How odd, but it must be true! You all have been so quick to serve and everything!" The waiter smiled, laughing. Then he noticed a perplexed look on her face.

She stared for a second, thinking. "Wait, so, if you pull it out using the string, how do you... y'know... get it back in?"

The waiter looked around the room, and leaned in to the table.

"Personally, I use the spoon."


http://mommabuzz.com/funny/a-woman-and-her-family-are-sitting-in-a-nice-upscale-restaurant-what-the-waiter-said-next-omg/

[foxgrove]

Read that to the family and got a lot of Oh My God's!!!    Good one!!!

[Robby]

Three girls all worked in the same office and had a female boss.

They noticed that every day their boss left a little early, and one day they decided that when the boss left they would leave too.

After all, she didn't call the office or come back, so how would she ever know they had left?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She had some quality time with her son, did some gardening, and even went to bed early.

The redhead also had a good afternoon. She went to the spa and fit in a work out before meeting someone for a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to be home early and was excited to surprise her husband.

But, when she got to the bedroom, she heard muffled noises from inside. Slowly and quietly so no one could hear, she opened the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! She closed the door and quietly left the house.

The next day all three ladies met on their coffee break.

The brunette and the redhead both talked about leaving early again that afternoon.

When they asked the blonde if she was going to join them she said, "No way! I almost got caught yesterday!"