Some what not true stories

[Robby]

TWO MEN ARE WALKING ON THE BEACH...WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?

One of the guys gets checked out by all the girls but the other one is ignored. He asks the first guy "Man all the girls are checking you out. What's your secret?"

"I have one little trick. When I walk on the beach I put a potato inside my undies"

Alright then. He takes his advice and the next day they walk along the beach once again. However the first guy still gets checked out and the second guy now gets looks of disgust.

He asks the first guy "Hey, what's the deal man? I put a potato in my undies like you said but it only got worse."

He replies "well the difference is I put that potato on the front side but you put it on the backside"

[foxgrove]

Hmmmmm.... should I suggest that he simply "pile" it on??? 

[Robby]

A MAN IS DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD AND HIS TIRE POPS NEXT TO THE INSANE ASYLUM...The man gets out of the car and begins to take off the tire. He noticed the fence separating the inpatients from him gathered a few spectators from the inside when the tire popped. The man takes of the tire only to realize that he's missing two lugnuts.

He looks in the grass but he can't find them. In a panic, he begins to think. He hears a voice from behind fence: "Hey, fella! Just put the two lugnuts on opposite sides of the wheel. That'll keep the wheel on there long enough to make it to an auto dealer. Don't worry it'll hold." The man thinks about it for a second and then complies, putting the spare tire on with only two lugnuts and it seems sturdy enough. The man looks towards the gate and asks the patient: "Hey how did you know that would work?"

The patient replied: "I'm in here 'cause I'm crazy, not 'cause I'm stupid."



Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was
still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's
house, she was nervous.

But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good
man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his
hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, mama, Tony's
got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy
chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took
off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs
to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs, too!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man.
Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his
socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria
saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother, "this is a job
for Mama!"

[Robby]

http://blog.auntyacid.com/16848-2/

[Robby]

Last weekend I saw something at the local flea market that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Kim what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my dog Fritz looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Fritz (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He's a sweet dog. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE HEY!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The dog was making barking sounds I had never heard before, crunched down in the corner, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

[old boy]

 



Brovo! Brovo  :blue thumbs up:times ten. You're doing it dude, Telling us what happened. A story so so well told...you definitely kept my interest throughout your organization of the story. Brovo. Brovo, but sorry for your losing your testicle,hahaha LOL 😁 hopefully you fabricated this part of the story,but thank you 😁 for a most interesting well enough told story.....most entertaining thing of the week 😊 hahahaha

.  .  Gods love ❤ and blessings to you.

[foxgrove]

Read that out to the family and there were howls of laughter all around!!    Dog was likely the only intelligent thing in the house at the time!!    Too funny!!  Read it dozens of times over the years and it's always just as funny.  Thank you brother! 

[looneylane]

LOL 

[Robby]

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-Eleven store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"


The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

"I can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the checkout.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair," the nun said. "Back at the convent, we call it 'Catholic shampoo.' "

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "The curlers are on the house."

[Robby]

Sarah Firth | March 20, 2016

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell fast asleep.

When Brian awoke a few hours later he found a strange man was standing at the end of hisbed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter"

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away."

St. Peter replied, "Yes you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian began to consider his options.

He was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground...



"This ain't so bad," he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "so you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replied Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," replied Brian

"Well just relax and let it happen."

So Brian focussed on his breathe and relaxed, and after a few uncomfortable seconds an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him. His emotions even got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

"Brian! Wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!"

[Robby]

I have a friend who recently divorced his cheating wife of 10 years. She still lives in the house he bought with his earnings right across the street from us. Even when they were together I never liked her, but her husband became quick friends with my husband and I when they moved in.

She never hid her cheating and used her husbands 15 hour shifts as her "flirt around" time. Different cars parked in front of the house all night only to disappear 10 min before her husband got home.



He soon found out and she was the one who demanded a divorce while he wanted marriage counseling. Fine. If you don't live someone then you don't live them. He moved out and left her the house and his beloved dogs that weren't allowed at his new apartment complex.

Immediately she acquired a "sugar daddy" to help pay the mortgage and bills, but she still had a slew of lovers, each having a particular night of the week to stay over. It's like a one woman show over there, I swear.

Now her driveway goes around to the back of the house so we can't always see whose parked there (sometimes they'll park on the street). For whatever crazy reason she believed my husband and I still liked her (we never did in the first place but she thought we did).

The other day I was outside retrieving some things from our car when she comes out with her "sugar daddy" to see him to his car. I recognized him, but obviously she didn't know that. She brought him across the street and said "Hey! I want to introduce you to my boyfriend!"

At that moment I switched off my brain filter.

"Oh. Hi! Nice to meet you. Forgive me, but are you the boyfriend with the Benz, the silver pick up, the black pick up, that Rusty Toyota or the silver Expedition? I get you guys all mixed up!"

Without another word I went back inside, watched them fight for about 5 minutes before he (and her bill money) sped off into the distance.

I told her ex this story and he's insisting on buying me a steak dinner next week!

[Robby]

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-Eleven store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"


The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

"I can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the checkout.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair," the nun said. "Back at the convent, we call it 'Catholic shampoo.' "

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "The curlers are on the house."

[Robby]

"I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once."
Author Unknown

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
Emo Philips

"My life needs editing."
Mort Sahl

"By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong."
Charles Wadsworth

"Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner."
Author Unknown

"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed."
Albert Einstein

"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket."
Will Rogers

"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."
Lana Turner

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
Jack Handey

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
Steve Martin

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
Steven Wright

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
Phyllis Diller

"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'"
Claude Pepper

"My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me."
Winston Churchill

"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."
Natalie Wood

"I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong."
Bertrand Russell

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
W. C. Fields

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
Steven Wright

"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it."
Laurence J. Peter

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often."
Oliver Herford

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
Robin Williams

"There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice."
Lewis Black

"My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: 'What are you looking at?'"
Margaret Smith

"If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything."
William Lyon Phelps

"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."
Johnny Carson

"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button."
Sam Levenson

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
Earl Wilson

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."
Bob Hope

"The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public."
George Jessel

"Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving."
Author Unknown

"Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!"
Author Unknown

[foxgrove]

[ronr]

I'll second that emotion.